Official Press Letter from the Desk of Kupo! Brands Presented by UCC Canned Coffee with Milk (unofficial but always hopeful)

Mog Knight Birthday 10/07/2023

[This is my absolute favorite Birthday thing ever, loved it ever since I was a kid:]

Welp. Here we are.

No entry into the 27 club.

We living. Vibing, even.

And despite my general anxiety,

I think I can say I'm doing alright right now.

I feel alright.

Maybe a little at peace.

One of the last lessons I had with my saxophone professor (rest his soul) was him telling me a bit of his life story where he pleaded with God, saying "you can take my house, my wife, even my Model A. Just give me peace of mind."

That stuck with me. Since then, I've been trying to find my own peace of mind.

I don't think I'm close.

But I don't think I'm far.

I'm closer than I was years ago though.

And with all the life I have left, if short or if long,

(not like I get to decide)

with all the choices and decisions I make,

I want to get closer to the concept of "peace of mind".

Whatever that means.

Anyways, another year older. Still feel like my kid self though rather than feeling wiser.

Oh, and can I be honest with you?

I hate my birthday. Not because of the reasons one would think, like trauma or drama or whatever.

I hate it because I really don't like being the center of attention. Which is funny given my profession and hobbies. I teach. I stream. I write. I post. I perform and make music. All things which people have eyes on.

In those situations, it's ok because there's that expectation of either a product or a kind of leadership role.

But when I receive attention outside of that? I get this weird feeling inside of me.

I don't deserve attention. I really don't. When I expect it, it always ends up biting me in the ass. So I trained for many, many years to harden myself against it. So I would never feel that hurt again. A recent example was when I made that POC introduction tweet with no likes or acknowledgment. I know I shouldn't even expect any likes or anything I tweet. But I did say to myself after, "never again".

I didn't do anything to deserve a happy birthday. I thank my mom and pops for doing all the hard work.

I'm just not the biggest fan of having eyes on me.

That's also always why I lurk a lot in streams or just always liking posts without commenting. I've trained myself for the longest time to never be the center of attention, no matter how big or small, and especially in spots where I don't need to be there. I adopted a mentality that I bring nothing of value to any social space. For the longest time, I had the thought of "what if I just deleted my account right now". To just suddenly delete what was basically my only online social presence, just to prove a point of "would anyone care?". In those times, I truly just wanted to disappear forever. Online, and more.

But I will tell you that all these sentiments has been my life the past many years. It may seem kinda sad vibes and maybe a bit depressing too. But these were indeed were a time I was a lot depressed. I became a bit of a social recluse due to being hurt from trusting someone. I pushed people away. I ended up hurting myself a lot because of overthinking thoughts that were not true but I repeated them so much that I tricked myself towards a false reality.

I'm working on changing. Not saying I do deserve things a lot of things though, but just by putting myself out there a bit more. Saying "nothing matters" in both the nihilistic and optimistic way a la "Everything Everywhere All at Once". I want to be stronger.

If those who want to join me on my wild ride, go ahead. But I acknowledge that I'm weirdo, crazy, a hard person to get to know, and just overall a strange person. I don't even think I'm a particularly "good" person or even likable really. Sometimes I feel like I'm always that superficial kind of friendliness that puts up an invisible wall that I know people do not want to get across to know me. And that's fine, life's too short to be spending all your energy getting to know the real me. There's lots of people out there for you.

I'm just me. And that's ok. You're ok too. You do you, and I'll always encourage you to be your best you.

Anyways, I'm kinda sleepy. That's it for this birthday talk/rant/stream-of-consciousness piece.

I'll end it by saying how thankful I am for all the choices and all the people who led me to who I am today, right now, in this moment. I wouldn't be who I am without the help of others. I am thankful I get to wake up and breathe in fresh air, and I'm thankful I get the opportunity to help others reach their potential.

I've grown a lot from my past. I am a culmination of all my successes and mistakes, and I want to keep on learning and growing until it is my time to be pulled away from this earth. Whether sudden or long or somewhere inbetween, I will keep cherishing each day that I have and work towards not just making myself better, but being a positive force to those around me and who support me.

And I hope that for you as well.

Thanks for reading.

Mog Birthday Pic, original by @tenshinii
Much love and stay frosty,
Mog Knight MogLove