Thoughts and Musings

Content Creation 2024

I was looking back at my streaming goals I made for 2023. If I were to grade it objectively, it would be a solid D. Reach affilate by summer? Nope. 300 followers on Twitter? Nope. Be part of a community and/or raise up a community? Def nope. But do at least 2 music streams? Hell yeah. Saxophone karaoke, Weezer karaoke, and a uke/sax karaoke too.

Solid D.

I saw this tweet by イナウォン right after midnight, before I was retiring to bed: "To all those missed goals and broken promises, you deserve to try again".

Heck yeah.

I'm not too upset about missing all those goals. After all, this year I felt that I was in a real creative funk. Also my depression and anxiety came back in a way where I just became deathly afraid or just paralyzed to where I couldn't hit the "start stream" button or click open on my writing program or pick up a pencil or even just take out my keyboard. On paper, it should be easy, right? Just do it, you idiot. Just do the thing.

Then why do I struggle with it? Why is it hard for me?

Am I broken? Am I just not meant to do this?

These questions I pose to myself. These mean remarks I make to myself. They do not help anyone. They do not help me. And sometimes I feel like there's two people inside of me constantly arguing - my body and my mind personified all inside myself.

But when they work together? Boy is it beautiful. And boy is it really fun.

I never really mentioned this to anybody, not even my closest friends. The reason I starting making stuff in the first place.

I was a lonely kid growing up, to say the least. I was also shy, didn't talk a lot unless spoken to. I spent a lot of time inside my own mind, talking to myself. Watching my surroundings and observing the world. I spent a lot of time imagining.

There was a point in middle school where the thought popped up in my head - "what would happen if I were to just disappear"? Would people care? Would everyone's life just be the same. Would everyone's life be better somehow?

Looking back, it was one of the most damaging thoughts I ever had. It was basically suicidal thoughts for a kid that didn't know what suicide really was.

I never talked about it with anyone. Not even the few therapists or counselors I managed to force myself to visit since I had the opportunity in college.

But that thought never stopped coming back. And I don't think it will. I've lost friends that I was really close to. I've had friendships that never gone past a deeper connection. I've refused to get close to people I really admired. All because I thought that I wasn't good enough. I couldn't make their lives better, being the person that I am. It would be better off if I never came into their lives at all.

I know that is not true.

But my body, my emotions still feel that way sometime.

It's a hard fight for me. But one that I keep fighting, keep challenging myself to this day. I do want to make friends, I do want to form deeper connections. I do want to be special in someone's life, even just a little bit, even just for a moment.

So, I keep carrying on. Marching on, even. I will not let this stop me. I've come this far in life to let those demons win.

Part of the way I win this fight is to prove that I exist. The way I do that?

Creating.

Putting myself out there. Streaming. Publishing my writing. Working on things that people see. Doing covers. Making music. Working on my site.

I once did a blog crawl with my friend, and we came across this blog. This guy was so passionate about games, his weird tech he loved or hated, and just writing with his personality on this minimalistic black and white blog. But the final post was written not by him, but his wife. He lost his battle to cancer.

This was a turning point for me. His works, personality, and style still lived on. His comments, words, site lives on.

Despite everything, he exists.

I was inspired. I am still inspired.

I want to prove that I, Mog Knight, am here. And I will continue on being here until the last of the servers of the internet will die, until the power grid of the world unleashes its last jolt of electricity, until humanity will return back to stardust and consciousness fades into the cosmos.

For all the time I have remaining on earth, I want to live. For those who can't anymore. For the past me who wanted to disappear. And for me, because there's a reason I am alive today. I don't know why, but I am. And I don't need a reason, either.

I want to live, put goodness into the world, put joy into others who are kind to me, and to challenge my own self to keep on being better.

I can rant on and on, but I do want to share my creator goals for 2024. I don't really see myself as a creator, and I don't like calling my works "content". But I want to work on these, and I think putting goals out there is nice even if I don't reach it all the way.

My jazz teacher would say "shoot for the moon, land on the roof; shoot for the roof, land on your ass".

Stream goals:

Creative goals:

Personal goals:

I think that wraps it all up. Sorry I got a little winded there, but it's also just a way for me to reflect on how far I've come and why I do the things I do. This year I lost a lot of my motivation and passion, especially when it came to writing, streaming, and various projects I do. Social media has really poisoned my brain into thinking numbers rule my life and the quality of my content.

Streaming? Couldn't break past 3+ concurrent viewers. Blog site? Only 4 followers, no one comments on my posts. Music covers? Youtube channel? Writing content? Mog clips? All dead in the water. Oh, and the Kupo Writes! Awards? I lost followers because of it.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any ride-or-die people out there in my life, or at least people who are consistent in liking or just even viewing any of my works. Which stings, but I do deserve it in a way. I'm not at that level yet. But I want to be. And I will be. It'll just take time. And to those who are still with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This goes for any creator out there, but even just a little comment or word can go a super long way. That's how I get my spark back. So, if you enjoyed my work ever - let me know! Though, there's a pit in my stomach thinking that no one will read this, not even my friends. And that's ok. They do them. Imma do my own thing.

Anyways, I need to wrap it up. Thanks again for making it down here. I love and appreciate you.

Cheers to a wonderful 2024, and hope and wish you the best~. I'll be here for you if you ever need me, and I'll always keep cheering you on too~.

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