Thoughts and Musings

Polka's Dream on Death

I think out of all the Hololive members so far, the one that I always think about a lot is Omaru Polka. Self-proclaimed circus ringmaster with no circus, fan-proclaimed lead clown of her nonexistent circus, and genuinely part otaku but full entertainer. She's willing to extend herself out there for laughs and sometimes makes herself the butt of a joke, but she plays around her own self and limits making her seem all the more genuine.

Not many people can have a stream where one is recording in a sound booth but it's all confidential so they have to be muted for a long period of time AND for it to be entertaining. Not many streamers can spend two hours just listening and reacting to stock music they bought while also being entertaining. To share about her "crane game" addiction, to be brought on to an impromtu radio sketch but turn a topic back onto the host.

As much as a lot of her clips show her as the high energy clown that loves to pass on her smile to others or at the very least drum up a reaction, her contrasting soft-spoken story time and chatting streams add such a uniqueness to her personality and shows such a different side of her. One that just reminds me of the person behind the character. How this person who expresses such joy and energy can share moments of personal anxieties and fears, but also moments of personal peace. And the video above just hits on that perfectly.

A little context for above, this is from a stream aired on September 9th, 2020. Polka and her Gen 5 group had been streaming for a little less than a month at this time, and the new Holomyth EN group will be set to debut in a few days. The topic of this stream is planning for her future streams, but she starts off the stream with a "light jab", talking about her dreams.

Dreams don't often make sense. Yet, they can tell us a lot at times. And other times, a lot of nothing. Some even don't remember their dreams. I'll admit to not remembering 98% of my dreams. However, I do remember some emotions and feelings when I wake up.

Polka speaks of her dreams before her debut, before this huge changing life event, as anxiety inducing ones, ones where some force beyond her causes her death. Contrasting this, the dream that gave her the most relief is the one where she got to choose her death. She mentions how before she drank the medicine that does her in, that she was hesitant, afraid. Even after she drank it, she was a bit afraid, wanting to take it back. But even she says that it's pretty normal to want to cling to your life when you feel unwell. Ultimately, she passes away in the sleep in her dreams.

What follows is her waking up, feeling refreshed and relieved. Which, for me, is so crazy and insane to think about. And so I thought about it. And her interesting perspective of how she felt.

Fears in our life can grow so much that we start to lose control of them. Given enough time, they might even control our lives in certain ways. In Polka's case, her fears manifested into stress, which resulted in reoccuring dreams about her death. Things beyond her control taking a hold of her.

One day, she had a dream where she lost her voice, losing her ability to not just stream but to speak out. But in that dream, she made a choice. I would imagine her previous dreams she was fighting to stay alive, but in this one she accepted her fate. Instead of going through her death in fear and struggle, she chose this time to die in peace. The peace of not just her environment which she describes as peaceful, but also with the peace of having her agency.

Death means a lot of things, given the context. Literal. Romanticized. Literary. Figuratively. Eccetera. But it was interesting to hear Polka talk about her dream in this way. I didn't expect such a story from a supposed "circus ringmaster", but it just serves as a reminder that beyond appearances is a person with their own set of struggles and fears. Polka reminds me that I shouldn't be ashamed of the things I go through, and that it's a normal bit of life. It's comforting to know that even with someone like Polka she goes through her struggles but still maintains her optimism and energy. She enjoys what she does, and creates a community of people who genuinely cares about her and others.

I hope one day 300k Vtuber will grow even beyond her own expectations.